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Winter 2009

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news feed photos stories video friends inbox how are you feeling? share ai Bio enhanceD nano neuro humor ForeVer young 86 winter 2009 humor disgracebook JOE QuIRK Status will be achieved by posting the most embarrassing videos or stories, creating an incentive to expose the shameful secrets of the person with whom you are most intimate, which means that after everybody gets dumped by their boinkbuddy winners will post the most embarrassing videos and stories about themselves. If reality Tv is any measure, people will volunteer to humiliate themselves. Soon, people will be proud of their latest disgrace. One clear rule: under no circumstances will any story be judged by whether or not it is true. lies, so long as they are embarrassing, are encouraged. We're trying to attract advertisers here. To quote my favorite actor, Daffy Duck: "Consequences, Shmonsequences. As long as I'm rich." Just because you're allowed to lie does not mean you win points on this system by just any old lie. Your lies will win high ranks among the Disgracebook community by the elegance with which they are designed to spark argument and counter-spin. Through user response and counter- response, your disgrace will climb up Disgracebook. You can even publish humiliating opinions. For instance, I support South Carolina's right to hang the Confederate flag over their state capital. After all, I'm 1/8 German, and I'm proud of my heritage, and I think we should fly a swastika over the California State capital. Whoopie! This must be what it feels like to post like a troll. Anonymity frees you from the burden of having to have a clue before you post. Or vote. The less you know about a subject, the easier it is to have an opinion about it. Next killer app: Identify every dumb thing ever said by every anonymous troll and post it on Disgracebook next to his photo and mom-given name. Once this code-breaking software is available, everybody will be literally standing by everything they ever said, complete with entertaining misspellings. (Sorry I typed "his." I know that's sexist. But it's also 100% true. No penisless person would name herself xxxpipecleaner99 and type onto a breastfeeding discussion board: u r so gay reterd. i am a traned ninja so cud esily kik yr ass, bioch. USA # 1!!!!!! In order to be that much of a dick, you need to have one.) In the very near future, microcameras will be so cheap and plentiful, private cameras will exist in every corner of every room and on every corner of every street. Artful editing will prove opposite conclusions about crimes filmed from multiple micro-angles. The Rodney King beating proved that reality cannot be filmed. It can only be interpreted. Tribal humans must bring their pre-constructed frames to the observation in order to see anything at all. Not long after microcameras turn paranoia into common sense, our lives will be flooded with nanopaparazzi, mosquitoes of the information age, annoying... and producing buzz. You will read magazines like this, taking it for granted that a million spycams smaller than your cells are searching you right now as you struggle to do nothing interesting. You will purchase an atmospheric immune system of kamikaze nanocamera-killers to swarm your home. This will come in a package deal with a nanocamera flood-your-friends plan. These systems will be locked in an everlasting arms race as they hire each other's engineers. A trillion tiny eyes will be so small and safe you won't notice them... except, after every monthly privacy protection upgrade, you'll notice your bedroom will get a bit more dusty. We all have a brain gizmo that enjoys seeing other people embarrassed. It's the same gizmo that makes us feel humiliated if we are embarrassed. lesser mammals do not possess this frontal lobe module that allows us to indulge our innate douchbaggery. Come on, don't you want to see if your husband had patience for cunnilingus with his former girlfriend? Search for the upskirtings, downblousings, and nosepickings of all your frenemies and play them on a loop while you talk to them on your phone. We debate the privacy-vs.-security issue like it's going to be settled at some symposium. The real market war will be between privacy and nosiness, and nosiness will win through sheer glee. In the very near future, face-recognition technology will improve to such an extent that I will be able to find every single photo of you ever posted on the internet. Simply type into Google: "Disgracebook photos Bill McKibben" and you will receive hundreds of hits, or, better yet, "Disgracebook Soon I will be rich. Two trends: social networking and the death of privacy. I'm cashing in on the confluence. Why should only celebrities be publicly humiliated? let's democratize it. log on to Disgracebook.com and publish your cell phone photos taken from underneath the bathroom stalls, rumors gleaned from an undisclosed source, and venomous bullshit you make up. Users can rank levels of humiliation. any user flagged for including non-embarrassing information will be banned from Disgracebook. APPLICATIOnS 31

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