USIndoor's Official Magazine is a quarterly publication, dedicated to owners, managers, program administrators and other professionals, startups and providers involved with indoor recreational sports facilities.
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When Soccer Moms and Soccer Dads Go Bad by Lisa Friedman I t has happened to all of us before: You're in the midst of playing a terrific game, making smart plays and working so hard that you're sure that all the lactic acid you've accumu- lated must have lowered your pH level to at least three, when you make a tiny glitch when running back to recover for the defender whom your sure has her feet cemented into the ground when you hear it. "Come on!" screams an old, out of shape, disgruntled soccer parent. As soon as you turn around to retort, "I'd like to see you do better, old man" a player who has no business playing soccer and is much better suited for a much less demanding and less intel- lectually stimulating activity, say, staring at a blank wall, has nutmegged you and is proceeding to dribble undefended to your goal. Luckily the kid shanks the shot and it goes out wide for a throw-in deep in your defensive third of the field, but your coach, seeing your sud- den lack of focus and disability to be a positive contributor on the field joins the ranks of disgruntled parents and calls for a sub, immediately forgetting all the hard work and good plays you've put in so far in the game. Ahhhh! the joys of bringing your parents to the game! Obnoxious parents at a soccer game are a problem that is hard to solve. Most players rely on their parents to drive them to the ends of the earth for various matches, and the line, "drive me two hours to my next match, and then come to pick me up after the game," does not fly well with many parents. And so long as hijacking your parent's car and illegally driving to the game your- self remains frowned upon, most kids are stuck bring- ing their parents to the game, and grimacing as they complain about the missed pass interference call and that the big girl on the other team might hurt her baby! Although it is hard to fathom why most parents would want to embarrass themselves in such a manner, most parents do believe they have their child's best interest at heart. They want their children to be successful and believe that their children's success can pay great divi- dends in the end. They believe that success in soccer can open numerous doors, such as college scholarships and great fame and notoriety, as well as set the child in the habit of being successful for later in life. Moreover, you won't hear too many conversations in the express lane of the grocery store along the lines of, "My son scored a dreadful own goal in the finals of a tourna- ment that caused the whole team the game, but golly gee, did he have fun doing it." Other parents believe that the three years they spent playing defensive end on a third-division football team in college makes them better suited to coach than the man who has an "A" license and has the nerve to call himself the coach. The best thing to do when a parent gets a wee bit too involved in the game and starts screaming random things like a banshee who got her finger slammed in the car door is to ignore them. Yes, ignore them. Pretend the parent is screaming for you to clean your object in the distance? Yeah, goal's thatta way." Obnoxious parents can be quite distracting. Although appealing, kicking the ball in your parents' face is probably not the recommended response. room or start your homework, and you'll have no prob- lem ignoring them. The coach will probably be just as irritated as you are for having to out-sound the loud parent, who is yelling at you to boot the ball as far as you can down the field, while he is telling you to calm it down and start knocking the ball around. Leave it to the coach to settle the problem, as he is much less likely to get grounded for telling your parents to be quiet in very colorful language. There will always be time for a free and frank exchange of views about their behavior after the game – which won't result in getting nut- megged by some kid who can't even shoot in the right direction. As obnoxious parents can be quite distracting, it is of utmost importance for a player to remain focused to prevent embarrassing nutmeggage and disgruntled coaches. Stomping your feet and yelling to your parents that they are utterly the worst parents on the face of the earth is not the best way to show your coach you are focused. Nor will opposing players use your frustration as a sign to leave you alone, but will rather exploit your frustration, and I'm sure everyone can contest that get- ting your toes stepped on hurts a lot more when your parents are telling you to run into the end zone. Although appealing, and somewhat funny, "accidental- ly" blasting the ball at, or hitting, your parents in the face and breaking their glasses, is also probably not a recommended response. Not only will your parents and their optometrists not be particularly pleased, your team mates will all point at you and laugh and then point at the goal and say, "see that rectangular shaped 10• August/September 2003 • GOAL Indoor Despite defying all odds and all rational explanations on earth, parents can continue their level of obnoxious- ness after the game. That's when many parents insist on analyzing the minutiae of every game with their kids while their offspring are absolutely drained and have no desire the explain the offside rule for the umpteenth time. I have found there are many ways to combat this problem. Most parents are very good talkers, and a strategically placed nod and smile while you're listening to the radio, can conceal from most parents the obvious fact that they're talking to themselves. Explaining that you don't wish to talk about the game right now, or that you'd be willing to talk about the game later (yeah, after they've forgotten that you've played in it) can also go a long way. Punching your mom in the arm while she is making a sharp turn on the freeway at seventy miles per hour, however, does not. Unfortunately, although the problem of obnoxious soc- cer parents can be improved, it is doubtful that this problem will ever go away. As long as there are bragging rights up for grabs in the grocery store, and the possibil- ity of retiring earlier as a result of a soccer scholarship, some parents are going to take the game a little too seri- ously. But obnoxious soccer parents are only as big a problem as a player allows them to be. Who knows? If you remained focused, you might have been able to steal the ball back from the player who nuttmegged you, dribbled it through all eleven players, and scored the goal of the season, as the scout from your dream college looks on and immediately signs you up on a full scholarship after the game. Or maybe the coach was just going to take you out because you looked tired anyway. Lisa Friedman currently plays for Crown City United and will be a junior next fall at Flintridge Preparatory School. She is an avid fan of Manchester United, as well as many other professional teams, and is a diehard fan of the New York Yankees.