Houseboat Magazine

62 Houseboatmagazine.com Houseboat Dreaming By Ted A. Thompson NOTES FROM THE STERN I visited the houseboat manufacturing complex and was immediately connected with a friendly sales rep. I told him I was in the market for a new, custom-built houseboat, explaining, "Money is no object." "Really?" he replied, "Pinch me, I must be dreaming." "No," I told him, "I'm the one who's dreaming," then pinched him just to prove the point. Of course he didn't flinch. I further demonstrated by stretching out on the sofa and adjust- ing my pillow, settling in for a comfort- able afternoon snooze. I'd just finished eating lunch and scanning last year's Houseboat Buyer's Guide, so I figured I'd earned a nap. Fortunately, Roxanne was not around to question my logic. "What kind of features are you look- ing for?" the rep asked helpfully, his voice echoing through the deepening fog of my siesta. Since it was my dream, I was limited by neither reality nor practicality. "To begin with," I explained, "my friends and I want to play some football now and then. Just a little scrimmaging up on top, nothing fancy." "Sure thing," he replied. "Will you want bleachers for the spectators?" That might have been sarcasm. "Just so long as it leaves room for the cheerleading squad," I replied, then as an afterthought, "Oh, and for a hot tub." After all, this was my dream. "No problem," he assured me, "we'll just make the boat bigger. Since you'll sometimes be on top playing football, I assume you want autopilot?" "Of course," I agreed. "While we're at it I'll need auto cooking, auto deck- cleaning, and auto docking. Also auto refueling and auto pump out." "Just so happens those are featured in all our new models, as well as auto massage with GPS programming," the rep announced happily. "Now, how about the engines?" "The grandkids are old enough to ski, so let's make sure I have enough power." Then in a flash of inspiration I asked, "Do you suppose I can get a couple of JATO units? For the parasail system?" I was referring to Jet Assisted Take Offs, which are sometimes mount- ed on cargo planes at military bases, and occasionally, according to the Internet, on Chevy Impalas embedded nose first in the hillsides of Arizona. He hesitated. "Well, normally we don't provide those," he replied, then added with a wink, "but when you take delivery of your new boat, I believe you just might find a couple JATOs in the storage area under the helicopter land- ing pad. I assume you have your own helicopter?" "Chopper's on my shopping list to- day. I have to stop at the hardware store for an O-ring to fix the kitchen faucet, then take the dog in for her shots, then buy a helicopter. Honey-dos," I explained, with a sheepish grin and a sheesh-ish shrug. "I know all about those," he ac- knowledged with a glance at his wed- ding ring, then continued, "How about interior design? Shouldn't your wife be here for the planning?" "Interior?" I asked. "That's easy. A comfortable couch and wide screen TV. Oh, and some sort of kitchen," I added. "Yes, I can see you enjoy your three squares," he replied. I sucked in my rock hard abs and resisted the impulse to take offense, since he was probably just repeating something he'd heard my inner voice say. Dream characters can be annoying that way. "We call it a galley," the rep remind- ed me. I saw his point. I usually stay out of those kinds of decisions because my one vote doesn't stand a chance against Roxanne's six. "I guess I should have brought her with me," I conceded, "but there's not enough room for us both on this couch." The fellow looked confused, then suddenly jumped onto my stomach and nuzzled his cold, wet nose against my warm neck. Imagine my surprise. Turns out my dog Sugar had decided to share the couch with me, which not only interrupted my nap quite rudely, but ruined this gentleman's chances of closing the sale today, complementary JATO units or not. I don't know who was more disappointed. I was really dreaming about that new houseboat, and I know the company wanted to build it for me. For some of us this year, the dream of a new houseboat will come true. That's infinitely better than a cold nose in your neck and doggy breath in your face, ask anyone. This 2010 Buyer's Guide will help set the dream in mo- tion, and prepare you for the National Houseboat Expo in Louisville, Ky., in March. Hope to see you there! Until Next Time, My Best from the Stern Ted A. Thompson Ted A. Thompson is a freelance writer living in North Arkansas. He can be contacted at tedthompson@windstream.net.

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